Grief, Depression, Anxiety & Shame

Message Resources

Psalm 42 (1).docx

There were technical difficulties with our live stream for part five of our series. Below is the transcript of the semon given my Pastor Glenn.

Last Sunday, someone asked me, “Are we really going to deal with suicide and self-harm in just one Sunday?” Yes. And addiction in one Sunday. And today, grief/depression/anxiety/and shame in one Sunday. The purpose of this series is not to go in-depth into mental health issues. The purpose is simply to demonstrate that we can talk about—we can be real about, we can destigmatize--the many ways people struggle with mental health.

Grief

Grief, of course, is not a mental illness. Grief is a natural human response to loss: Jesus himself wept at Lazarus’ tomb. We usually think of grief in the context of about death—losing parents, friends, spouses, God forbid, a child. But we grieve other losses: divorce, giving up long-held dreams, retirement can involve grieving. Some griefs are deep but fairly straightforward. Other griefs are complicated: after suicide, when relationships are bitter or broken, when guilt gets wrapped up in our sorrow. These require more time, more prayer, more help.

Grief is not a mental illness, but grief can become a mental health problem: when grief gets stuck in anger or guilt; when you permanently refuse to let a loved one go. In these cases, you need some help—not to “get over” your grieving, but to actually do your grieving.

Two suggestions about grieving:

Lean in to grief, embrace grief, rather than hardening yourself against it. Grieving is painful, searing work. But there can also be a sweetness about grief. Grieving is being faithful to the person or dream you’ve lost.
Let hope be your companion in grief. Paul shared the gospel so the Thessalonians would not grieve as others do who have no hope (1 Thess. 4:13). Not so they wouldn’t grieve, but so they wouldn’t grieve without hope. My brother Alan died on a Good Friday. I wept a lot and still miss him dearly, but I know he died and rose with Christ. I grieve with hope.

Depression

Everyone’s depression is different. Some depression is situational--because someone died, or a friend moved away, or you’re sick. Some depression is seasonal, from a lack of sunlight. Depression can be caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals, like bipolar disorder. Depression can be a result of, or a way to cope with, past trauma or PTSD. Depression ranges from mildly annoying to incapacitating. Just a couple of thoughts on depression:

Ask for help. Some people benefit just from having someone to talk to about depression. Many have their mood lifted by medication. Talk therapy can ease symptoms and offer coping strategies. I know many people who’ve benefited from treatments like light therapy, EMDR, ECT, and EMT. Whatever you need, seeking help is a start.
And let hope be your companion in depression too. Even at its worst, depression is never all you are. You can be depressed and a believer; depressed and a good neighbor; depressed and a beloved child of God. One person with major depressive disorder wrote, “Although I still suffer from depression and even suicidal thoughts, I have come to understand that God is not disgusted by me for it. God is with me in it.”

Anxiety

Anxiety is also many things and comes in many degrees. Some people have an anxiety disorder caused by genetics. Anxiety can also be a way to cope with trauma or PTSD. Some people sort of wish they didn’t worry so much; other people can’t leave the house. It’s important to know you don’t have to carry anxiety alone. You can find people to reach out to when anxiety is overwhelming. Medication helps many people. I am an anxious person. I’ve been in therapy much of my life. It doesn’t make me not-anxious, but it makes my life manageable and good. Two things for anxiety:

Mindfulness Practices. I spent years pooh-poohing things like breathing and daily affirmations and guided meditations. I’ve become a true believer. Mindfulness practices help you calm down enough to sense God’s love and be your best self.
Deepen your trust in God. Psalm 42 is an anxious person’s prayer. It describes inner pain and distress, but it always returns to hope in God. Anxiety is never all you are. You can be anxious and smart, anxious and a good friend, anxious and a beloved child of God.

Shame

For many people, shame is at the core of our mental health struggles. First, the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt says, “I did a bad thing;” shame says, “I am a bad thing.” To care for guilt, you confess what you’ve done, and you ask for and accept forgiveness. Forgiveness heals guilt. But forgiveness does not heal shame, because shame isn’t about what you’ve done. It’s about what you are, or what you believe you are.

Where does shame come from? Many experiences can lead to toxic shame. Here are a few:

It can come from deliberate shaming. Say “shame on you” to someone long enough, and they will be ashamed.
Shame is a common result of physical abuse, an almost universal result of sexual abuse.
Shame can come from feeling helpless—being taught that you’re never good enough, or taking on adult responsibilities before you can handle them.
Shame is produced by being ‘exposed’ when you’re not ready. People dream about being naked in public or taking a test they’re not prepared for. Those dreams are about shame, being exposed.

Shame drives mental health problems because your inner child—convinced it’s defective and unworthy--desperately tries to protect itself. It may do this by constant vigilance (anxiety), by withdrawing or shutting down (depression), or by attacking and keeping people away. Shame leads to self-contempt, to putting away parts of yourself that feel unacceptable.

So how do you heal shame? Brene Brown says, “If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow: . . . secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Healing shame, then, requires the three opposite things: courage to come out of hiding, telling and retelling your story, and unconditional love. Again, healing shame begins with:

Daring to tell someone how you feel, what life is like for you.
Beginning to tell your story, more and more of it as you start to feel safe. You don’t have to tell all of your story, just the parts you’re ready to tell. You don’t have to tell any of it to someone you don’t trust. But as you tell your story, you may discover you’re not the only one.
It’s crucial to find someone who will not judge you. And as you’re able, learn not to judge your own story. What happened is what happened. Now you get to work on what will happen next.

My favorite story about healing shame is in John 4. Jesus meets a woman at a well. He asks her for a drink, then offers her ‘living water.’ She’s skeptical about never being thirsty again, but she’s intrigued by Jesus and begins to trust him. Then he asks her to get her husband and come back. Uh-oh. She says, “I don’t have a husband.” Jesus says, “True, you’ve had five husbands and this current man is not your husband.” Now, who knows what this woman had been through, why she’d been used and discarded by a series of men? But now that Jesus knows about her, she waits for it—waits for the word of judgment, the condemnation, the new layer of shaming. She waits for it . . . but it doesn’t come. Jesus doesn’t shame her! She runs and tells everybody, “Come see this man who told me everything I’ve done.” Some people think she’s impressed that Jesus has supernatural knowledge about her. Maybe. But what matters to her is that Jesus knows her--knows all about her--and accepts her, loves her anyway. No not loves her anyway--just loves her, unconditionally. And her shame begins to heal.